Video — UN: DetWatts

[gadaboutdetective]

[Llewellyn has a habit of dealing with guilt largely by way of drowning in it and then moving on to trying to bury it. He was practically a champion at this point, especially over the last year. So he had genuinely not realized that the increase in the weight of everything wasn’t natural at first.

Then he noticed the strange occurrence around the domes in which people had been somehow influenced to make a confession of sorts to the rest of the community about something they felt guilt over.

Despite his wariness after that, Llewellyn still managed to distract himself from the issue. He’d been dwelling in the library dome for longer than he should have, but there were so many shelves to explore and books to pick through. He’d been looking to see if a book his friend had written might have been hiding in the library, so that he could share it with the few people he’d gotten to know, and lost track of time.

And then he was tapping on the gold circle resting behind his ear in agitation.]

I... A few months ago I disobeyed direct orders from the Inspector to not dig around a case that was outside my station house’s jurisdiction. He explicitly told me to stop, and due to my own hubris I nearly cost a young man —the inspector’s son no less— his life.

The consequences that followed also put Dr. Ogden in a difficult position that resulted in her blaming herself for the fall out of the surgery, despite saving John’s life... and my colleague Detective Murdoch has lost what might be the only chance he had to go any further with his career.

My impulsive nature, and insistence on pursuing the case hurt and caused problems for those around me. There’s not even anything I can do about it now that it’s done... And I uh— I don’t know that I would be able to stop myself from making the same kind of decision again in the future.

[Then the compulsion was gone, his eyes widened in alarm and the feed ended with another tap behind his ear.]

Comments

video; un: wallofsleep

[cacophonish]

But...

[ Okay, he doesn't mean to be rude, but he has one very important question: ]

Did you solve the case?

video; un: detwatts

[gadaboutdetective]

[It doesn’t seem rude to Llewellyn, it’s a reasonable question given what he’d just rambled on about.

But that didn’t mean he wanted to discuss this further either. So he responds to the video feed, looking agitated and more than a little uncomfortable to be talking about this at all.]

I did... Well— we did, in the end. Once everyone’s attention was focused on the case.

[He’s not proud, but he’d only really managed to return to helping with the case after forcing himself to leave behind the bar at Dr. Ogden’s urging. That had taken days of doubt and guilt riddled wallowing.]

[cacophonish]

[ Okay, it's a sore subject. He gets that. He's got a closet full of skeletons he doesn't want to talk about, either.

But Jeff's also young, dumb, and occasionally well-meaning, so he's just gonna try to help this total stranger find the silver lining! ]

So wasn't it, like, a greater good kind of thing in the end? I mean... after the dust settled...

[gadaboutdetective]

[Good luck Jeff. He’s not a silver lining kind of man, at least not right now.

Still, Llewellyn could see what he was trying to do. It’s a curious thing, really. Someone deciding they wanted to try to make him feel better about his own mess. Fussing with the brim of his hat, he shrugged.]

The greater good? Well... Yes, when you look at it that way, but the greater good still doesn’t change the mess that was made in pursuit of it.

Mm... And one can’t help but consider what they might have done differently that could have avoided most of said mess. I am responsible for the consequences of my actions, whether it be for all the consequences of that which happened following those consequences as well...? I’m not sure... but that doesn’t change the fact that I am at least responsible for what I played a part in.

audio un:pnwsalex

[11calls]

[No, this doesn't seem at all familiar or like something that Alex would do. Not in the slightest. And definitely like nothing that she had done.]

Was the case important? Was someone's life on the line or something?

audio un: detwatts

[gadaboutdetective]

[Maybe if someone’s life had been on the line it might have seemed more justifiable.

He really doesn’t want to keep talking about this, but thanks to the sphere he can’t exactly keep pushing aside the subject. Sighing a little, he responds.]

It was—well It should have been, but no. A young woman had been murdered in a known opium den. The detective who was put on the case wrote it off as inconsequential because of that, and I knew he would.

Mm... I used to work at that station before, and they’re not known for being thorough depending on the victim. I also knew her in life, she uh— she was a witness in one of my prior cases.

That still doesn’t change the mess I made, that’s simply how I justified my actions.

Re: audio un: detwatts

[11calls]

It sounds like someone needed to be her voice though. And you were. Maybe your actions were wrong but It also sounds like if people took your concerns more seriously the consequences wouldn’t have been so dire.

[gadaboutdetective]

[He appreciates Alex’s spin on things, he really does. Time certainly had helped scab over the festering wound, but he still hadn’t really gotten to the point where he could accept that there were aspects of the mess that had been avoidable if others had done things differently.

If his inspector hadn’t tried to bully him into submission he might not have snuck around behind his back, and it still confused him to think about that. Murdoch would never have even considered taking a promotion if it meant someone’s case would be mishandled and swept under the rug. Plus, John had known the man they were going to question was known to be dangerous and never said a word.

Knowing all that was true, and accepting that he needn’t shoulder all the blame himself was another matter entirely.]

Too many voices get lost in a flawed system, I’m afraid. So, I uh... do try to prioritize such cases.

Still... I could have done things differently, I find myself reflecting on the obvious pattern of making more of a mess than doing real good.

Audio; Private

[minus1twin]

Are you alright?

[She understands guilt more than most and at this point Wanda is just waiting for the compulsion to hit her. Until then, she'll try and be there for those affected.]

I know what it's like to feel like you failed someone. It's hard.

Audio; Private

[gadaboutdetective]

[Now that’s a question... One that he feels the answer to is obvious, at least in the physical sense.

Which is the only thing he’s considering while answering, he’s a big fan of ignoring his own mental state in favour of focusing on other things.]

Of everyone, I uh— made it through unscathed, yes....

[Well, not strictly true. The inspector had nearly broken his nose, but Llewellyn was sure he deserved that and more.]

Mm... It is hard, though. They deserved better from me, and I gave them a mess to deal with instead.

[And the list of people he feels that he has failed is a long one, spanning years now. It continues to grow, and this little forced confession only scratches the surface.]

Audio; Private

[minus1twin]

I understand.

All you can do is try better. Even if you fail again.

[Her voice is soft but confident.]

I believe that you can. Never give up.

[gadaboutdetective]

[He sighs at that,]

I do, but I uh... I can’t help but wonder how many times one can be allowed to continue making such grand mistakes. It seems to vary from person to person, but there are always limits...

[Someone would put their foot down eventually, Llewellyn knew his habit of ignoring protocol and orders would eventually either land him in jail or without a station house again. He doubted another would take him in, either.]

Well, as impulsive and impatient I am, I am considered incredibly stubborn. So... despite the initial attempt to, I certainly haven’t given up.

Video: UN - Maresh

[unbreakable_king]

Why did you do it?

[Rhy has met the man and known him enough, even when he met the man as that OTHER Rhy, to not believe it was malicious. That the man meant good. Intention matters.]

Video: UN - detwatts

[gadaboutdetective]

[The ‘why’ of it all is such an easy and yet complicated answer. He gives Rhy a tired, wary look before responding.]

Because I knew the detective in charge of the case, and I didn’t believe that he would take it seriously, and I needed to know that justice would be done for the woman who was murdered.

[Needed was a key word here, Llewellyn had also been throwing himself so hard into every case he could at the time. Every case that he thought needed his attention, every case that he felt that he could be useful for. To largely avoid everything else that he didn’t want to deal with. That made up the other, harder half of the ‘why.’]

[unbreakable_king]

Were they prone to not taking things seriously? If so they should not be given responsibility.

[gadaboutdetective]

He was prone to not taking things seriously, yes... But he also worked at another station house, the case was in his jurisdiction. It is considered improper to cross territory without going through the proper channels, and uh— my Inspector didn’t want me to step on toes at that time.

[He pulled off is hat and ran a hand through his hair in agitation, he doesn’t like this. Doesn’t like his prior messes being exposed to the world, and this wasn’t even the memory sharing that the others had warned him of.]

I also had... A history with that station house, I know it’s habits and tendencies well enough, and they don’t like to see me meddling in their business.

[He worried the brim of his hat with his hands and shrugged,]

The point is, regardless of my reasons it still turned into a mess that shouldn’t have happened.

Audio; un: vegas

[architector]

Was the case, at the very least, brought to an acceptable close?

Audio; un: detwatts

[gadaboutdetective]

Mm... That would depend greatly on what you consider an acceptable close. The culprit in the case was eventually apprehended, but it was a complicated matter.

[architector]

In my experience, all matters of import are complicated, more so the more people are involved.

Have things been worked out with Detective Murdoch?

audio: marshes

[gristle]

Why'd you do it?

[gadaboutdetective]

[That’s an unfamiliar voice, and one that sounds quite young. It was a rather dark subject to have thrown in the face of youth, but he also preferred to answer than ignore her. It was rude, and the young deserved to have their curiosities answered.]

Mm... I did it because I thought no one else would give the case the attention it deserved. I wanted to do the right thing, but it uh— it didn’t work out the way I had intended.

[gristle]

Not everything does. [Bev knows that well. But it’s still a whole thing.]

Sounds like you tried to do right by her though.

Video; un: theboneless

[ragnarsson]

Doesn't sound that bad.

[But then Ivar has very little empathy for anyone, even himself at times. Trying to feel bad because his own actions had caused others pain or misery was like trying to teach a fish poetry: an exercise in futility.]

[gadaboutdetective]

Not that bad—?

[He’s not sure if Ivar is trying to help or simply doesn’t think the situation was a bad one.]

I doubt those who had to deal with my grand mistakes would agree with you, Ivar.

[ragnarsson]

Did anyone actually die from your actions?

[Yeah, it appears Ivar has no idea of how bad this can be.]