thesphererp | Text [OTA] username; defrag

I can deliver drinks to your door if you need them.

If you want.
I can't get drunk or anything.

yeah that's a mood i get

It sucks.
If you have any way around it, give me a heads up.

I'll do my best to find us something.
guess i'll hit up the market

Let me know how that goes.

i'd say you'd be first to know, but that doesn't seem likely i guess
you'd be, like, third
first the dude in charge, then me, then you

that sounds like a plan

I am good for them every now and then.

So far you have good plans.

I' trust you'll think of something.

that means a lot.

good

Hey, but if you need anything else, lmk

sure thing.

[She won't but the thought makes her feel a bit better.]

[Oh no... Considering one of their recent conversations he’s kind of worried.]

I’m sorry, Enis. Can I do anything to help?

What can help?

Depends on the person. Talking, company, food or alcohol. A combination?

[Is he good at dealing with loss? No. But he’s at least going to pull from the list of things people encouraged him to try in the past.]

I know alcohol might not help in your case though, but I can still try to supply enough if you think it would help.

That all sounds like crap.
Unless you can find some magical drug or alcohol, nothing will help.

[If it weren’t for the situation, he’d probably respond that it indeed was all ‘crap’ in his own way. But people wouldn’t keep suggesting it if it was, and he’d had some luck with getting people to talk in the past.]

I don’t know if there’s anything like that here... I can look into it though.

[Sorry Enis, he’s your friend and for now he’s just... going to show up at your door awkwardly in a bit.]

Just fuck it L.
I'll walk into a nightmare and just be alone.

Those nightmares are the exact opposite of a good idea, Enis.

[Seriously. He’s been avoiding the hell out of staying in one place for long since he found out they were a thing.

Annnnd there’s a knock on her door.]

[She isn't planning to respond. It's childish and likely cruel of her to leave things like that but she's too hurt to care. This is why she'd never wanted to care. This is why she'd want to die and now she is forced to live in a second world she hated. Nothing in her dark past has been as painful as the loss of someone she's cared about. She doesn't want to care anymore.

Then there is a knock on the door.

She ignores it at first but then there is a second knock.]

What?

[Enis doesn't open the door but she's standing on the opposite site with her back against the wall.]

[It is a little cruel, if only because when people hang up on him or don’t respond he gets kind of scared. Bad things happen when people hang up on you. Very bad things in his experience. Even if nothing that happens in this world is particularly permanent, he’s still going to worry about it. Because if something can be avoided? It should be.

The second knock is a little more insistent than the first, but his shoulders relax from the anxious hunch they had risen into when Enis appears at her door. It’s... not great, but it’s progress. Better than no answer coming at all. He’ll just stand awkwardly on the other side of the door and talk like this, he can work with that.]

I um... I didn’t want you to be alone if you didn’t have to be. And friends check in on each other when bad things happen.

[He’s got a couple bottles of the strongest thing he could find, a small dog, and a bag of snacks. He can camp outside for a while, Enis.]

[ooc: can we say this is at the mech shop? because I realized after the fact that Enis lives in a large dorm so she can't hide from anyone there.]

[Enis exhales and then soft thumps her head against the door.]

Why? I'm not a good friend. I'm horrible and this all... it's terrible. I don't want to care about people if it means feeling like that.

[She doesn't know if she can lose Llewellyn too. He's one of the only friends she has in the sphere.]

(ooc: Absolutely! My brain kind of auto went to the mech shop anyway! :D)

[Llewellyn certainly can’t blame her for feeling that way. It was hard, and it was an awful thing to have to feel (especially more than once) the loss of someone you had let yourself care about.]

I would argue that you’re a very good friend, Enis. At least to me you have been?

I... can’t blame you for not wanting to care but um... as someone who tried, I would warn you against it. It doesn’t generally work out the way you expect it to.

And there are already people who care about you too, they’d miss you if you withdrew from the world...

[It’s a painful cycle, if he’s being honest.]

You shouldn't care about me... [Her voice lowers and for a moment its much harder to hear her speaking through the door.] I'm a monster.

I should have died a long time ago.

[She's found love and now that she knows what it feels like, it doesn't feel like she'll be able to live without it. This was the first time she's felt love. Her father never loved her and she'd been locked away for so long. What's the chance that it'd happen again?

Her existence is a mistake.]

I'm sorry that I forced you to care. I would have never done that to you if I knew that it might make you feel like this.

[Llewellyn bites his tongue a little, he knows what Enis thinks of herself. They’d had this conversation before... He doesn’t like that she thinks herself a monster simply because of what she was. It wasn’t fair. He knew those who could be said to be monsters, she was far from it in his opinion.]

You’re not a monster, Enis. Not to me. To me you’re my friend, and even if you think I shouldn’t care about you, I do.

[He shakes his head at her words,]

And you didn’t make me— caring doesn’t work like that. You can’t force feelings one way or another... believe me I’ve tried. I care because I got to know you and have come to enjoy our time together.

I intend to continue to, despite knowing the hurt there will be should a day come when you’re gone.

[Her voice lowers but somehow it can still be heard on the other side of the door.] Why can't I force myself to no care? I don't- ever want to feel like this. It isn't worth it...

[There is a soft echo of a click as she releases the lock but she doesn't open the door. Instead, she sinks down to the floor, her back against the wall and her forehead on her knees.

She doesn't know what she's doing but she doesn't want to feel like this anymore.]

Unfortunately, that’s not how emotions or feelings work.

[He responded gently, tone a touch sad. It would be so much easier if you could...

Llewellyn quietly opened the door when he heard the lock turn, mumbling a small warning that he was coming in to be polite. He takes one look at his friend sitting on the floor and just carefully sits down next to her, letting her have a moment as he unclipped Pretzel’s lead so the puppy could snuffle at her side. The dog was very good at sensing when other people were upset.]

I can’t tell you that it gets... better necessarily. It does get easier with time.

[He isn’t going to lie to her, it still hurts to think about the people he’s lost already. It just got easier to manage that pain and move forward. Of course, there was also a lot of unhealthy avoidance of dealing with things on his part, but that wasn’t the point right now.]

[Despite Enis's aversion to people, she likes the polite detective and his curious pup. She doesn't know why she likes him. It doesn't make sense. But she knows that it'd hurt if he left too...]

I don't want this. It doesn't feel like it's worth it.

[She looks up enough to glance at Pretzel. Enis doesn't think she can meet her friends gaze. Not now. It'd hurt too much.]

Have you ever thought you were in love? What if it isn't love? I've never been loved. I don't know what it is.

It doesn’t sometimes... And maybe it’s not when it comes down to some people.

[He was thinking of someone particular specific there, but continued a moment later,]

But generally...? I would still rather have known and gotten close to most of the people I’ve gotten to know and had to miss when they were gone. My life was still better for knowing them, even if it um... even if it still hurts.

[Oh... Oof with a capital O, Enis. That’s a hard one for him to answer, and the reasons are so very complicated thanks to some specific factors. Namely the fact that he lives in the old times, and people were the worst.]

Love is a complicated thing, especially where I’m from, Enis. I’ve uh— never really let myself get that far, though there are reasons for that, I suppose I’ve been a bit of a coward when it comes down to it.

[He’s a work in progress though, and he’s learning to let himself try these days in this strange place. As scary as that was sometimes.

He tries to come at it from another angle though. Llewellyn knew he couldn’t exactly offer the best advice on the matter of love, but he can at least help talk something out.]

I imagine that it’s a very instinctual emotion...? Everyone says you’ll know when it is, whatever that means... I also know it can’t be a feeling you force, you can’t uh— make yourself feel it just because it seems to be expected of you.

You sound smart. Not like a coward. [One day, he'll meet someone who makes him feel brave. Then he'll know its right. That's how Enis had felt and while it hadn't lasted, she remembers that feeling and its that feeling that she hates.]

I don't know what that means. I've never had love. I've never seen it. Maybe I was lonely and just lying to myself because I grew up as an object in some fucked up experiment.

[She sighs and decides that she doesn't want to think about it anymore. Enis pet's Pretzel and then looks up at her friend. She doesn't think about it but says the first thing that pops into her head.]

Would you have sex with me? To take my mind off all this or are you just into guys? [It's a wildly inappropriate question but Enis isn't currently in a state of mind to care. She just wants to forget and feel close to someone; even if its momentary.]

Well... I would say we instinctively seek out love because we’re lonely, but that doesn’t mean that the love we find isn’t genuine. As long as we’re honest with ourselves about it?

[Which, until recently, he had certainly not been. Trying to conform to societies expectations that he find a ‘good woman and settle down.’ It was as awkward and as fraught with failure as it sounded.

Llewellyn’s brows shot up, eyes wide at the very idea. He’s not good with talking about sex in general, certainly not with someone who he doesn’t see as a partner with which he would have sex with. Goodness, he was still getting used to the idea that Rhy wanted to even kiss him. Had thought the man teasing and joking the first time he’d asked.

So sex? Sorry, Enis.]

Um— uh... You’re a lovely woman, and a very good friend, Enis. But er— I’m afraid you’re correct. I’m ‘just into guys’ as you put it.

[He looked down at Pretzel rather awkwardly,]

Afraid I can only offer distractions that don’t involve... that.

[Enis doesn't look surprised or upset by Llewellyn's refusal.] Yeah, I figured. [She knows him fairly well but she'd been hoping he's bi or something. Sadly her only other friend and ex. fuck buddy is now in a relationship... so she can't really ask him anymore.]

This just sucks.

[She's saying that a lot...]

Just tell me what I should do right now.

[The detective relaxed a little when she didn’t get annoyed or frustrated with his response, there’s always that... vague feeling of fear that there’s going to be something wrong enough with the way he is that a person will drop him from their life or try to get rid of him.

With some people, he’d learned not to care. With people that he’d gotten attached to? The fear came back...]

It does... It always does...

[Llewellyn mumbled sympathetically, before trying to form a proper response to her question.]

I’m not sure that I have a good or right answer? It’s uh— it’s complicated... I think you were smart to close the shop for a little while, to give yourself time. Perhaps...

[He reached down to scratch Pretzel’s ear lightly,]

Perhaps sitting on the floor in here might not be best. Maybe some time away from it yourself would help? It’s nice to remember the people you miss, but it can hurt too... You’re uh— welcome to spend time at my office if you like. You know I don’t get many clients, and it’s a change in scenery. I can make myself scarce if you want to be alone...

[But he also didn’t want her to be alone if she didn’t want or have to be. Llewellyn worried, and loss is something he’s intimately acquainted with at this point in his life.]

No. [She closes her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose.] I mean, fuck me. I don't want to be alone. If I am. I'll probably do something stupid. So if it isn't to much-

[Enis struggles to find the right words to form her request. She's never felt close enough to someone to seek emotional support and she has no idea how its done. She just knows that she doesn't want to be alone.

Her arms wrap around Pretzel as she pulls him towards her chest and into her lap.]

Please don't leave.

I- I really don't want to be alone.

[Llewellyn kept an eye on Pretzel, glad that the pup seemed to be developing a sense for when people needed something to cuddle and enjoy a little affection. Instead of being too excitable, he settled comfortably in her arms and rested his head on her shoulder.

It was good to see, and allowed Llewellyn to focus properly on what Enis was trying to say. He shook his head with a small, quick motion.]

It’s not too much, not at all... As long as you want me around, I’d rather stay? It’s mm... not good to be alone.

[He knew what it was like, and dealing with loss alone did make one do stupid things. Goodness knew he had more than once.]

I can stay right here, or we can go somewhere else, but uh— regardless... we’ll stick together.

Rhys?
Oh, no!

Yeah.

First Michael, now Rhys. I pray Theon will not follow.

I don't know who that is but I wouldn't expect anyone to be safe.

Theon Greyjoy, my boyfriend.

hopefully for you he's safe.

[Shit. Rhys had been a friend. He was one of the first friends that Alex had made here. And he was also the only one left who had been there since they were.

Letting out a soft sigh, Alex just says:]

I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Being sorry doesn't change anything.

I suppose it doesn’t. But. I still am.

Good for you then.

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