thesphererp | Text [OTA] username; defrag

Unfortunately, that’s not how emotions or feelings work.

[He responded gently, tone a touch sad. It would be so much easier if you could...

Llewellyn quietly opened the door when he heard the lock turn, mumbling a small warning that he was coming in to be polite. He takes one look at his friend sitting on the floor and just carefully sits down next to her, letting her have a moment as he unclipped Pretzel’s lead so the puppy could snuffle at her side. The dog was very good at sensing when other people were upset.]

I can’t tell you that it gets... better necessarily. It does get easier with time.

[He isn’t going to lie to her, it still hurts to think about the people he’s lost already. It just got easier to manage that pain and move forward. Of course, there was also a lot of unhealthy avoidance of dealing with things on his part, but that wasn’t the point right now.]

[Despite Enis's aversion to people, she likes the polite detective and his curious pup. She doesn't know why she likes him. It doesn't make sense. But she knows that it'd hurt if he left too...]

I don't want this. It doesn't feel like it's worth it.

[She looks up enough to glance at Pretzel. Enis doesn't think she can meet her friends gaze. Not now. It'd hurt too much.]

Have you ever thought you were in love? What if it isn't love? I've never been loved. I don't know what it is.

It doesn’t sometimes... And maybe it’s not when it comes down to some people.

[He was thinking of someone particular specific there, but continued a moment later,]

But generally...? I would still rather have known and gotten close to most of the people I’ve gotten to know and had to miss when they were gone. My life was still better for knowing them, even if it um... even if it still hurts.

[Oh... Oof with a capital O, Enis. That’s a hard one for him to answer, and the reasons are so very complicated thanks to some specific factors. Namely the fact that he lives in the old times, and people were the worst.]

Love is a complicated thing, especially where I’m from, Enis. I’ve uh— never really let myself get that far, though there are reasons for that, I suppose I’ve been a bit of a coward when it comes down to it.

[He’s a work in progress though, and he’s learning to let himself try these days in this strange place. As scary as that was sometimes.

He tries to come at it from another angle though. Llewellyn knew he couldn’t exactly offer the best advice on the matter of love, but he can at least help talk something out.]

I imagine that it’s a very instinctual emotion...? Everyone says you’ll know when it is, whatever that means... I also know it can’t be a feeling you force, you can’t uh— make yourself feel it just because it seems to be expected of you.

You sound smart. Not like a coward. [One day, he'll meet someone who makes him feel brave. Then he'll know its right. That's how Enis had felt and while it hadn't lasted, she remembers that feeling and its that feeling that she hates.]

I don't know what that means. I've never had love. I've never seen it. Maybe I was lonely and just lying to myself because I grew up as an object in some fucked up experiment.

[She sighs and decides that she doesn't want to think about it anymore. Enis pet's Pretzel and then looks up at her friend. She doesn't think about it but says the first thing that pops into her head.]

Would you have sex with me? To take my mind off all this or are you just into guys? [It's a wildly inappropriate question but Enis isn't currently in a state of mind to care. She just wants to forget and feel close to someone; even if its momentary.]

Well... I would say we instinctively seek out love because we’re lonely, but that doesn’t mean that the love we find isn’t genuine. As long as we’re honest with ourselves about it?

[Which, until recently, he had certainly not been. Trying to conform to societies expectations that he find a ‘good woman and settle down.’ It was as awkward and as fraught with failure as it sounded.

Llewellyn’s brows shot up, eyes wide at the very idea. He’s not good with talking about sex in general, certainly not with someone who he doesn’t see as a partner with which he would have sex with. Goodness, he was still getting used to the idea that Rhy wanted to even kiss him. Had thought the man teasing and joking the first time he’d asked.

So sex? Sorry, Enis.]

Um— uh... You’re a lovely woman, and a very good friend, Enis. But er— I’m afraid you’re correct. I’m ‘just into guys’ as you put it.

[He looked down at Pretzel rather awkwardly,]

Afraid I can only offer distractions that don’t involve... that.

[Enis doesn't look surprised or upset by Llewellyn's refusal.] Yeah, I figured. [She knows him fairly well but she'd been hoping he's bi or something. Sadly her only other friend and ex. fuck buddy is now in a relationship... so she can't really ask him anymore.]

This just sucks.

[She's saying that a lot...]

Just tell me what I should do right now.

[The detective relaxed a little when she didn’t get annoyed or frustrated with his response, there’s always that... vague feeling of fear that there’s going to be something wrong enough with the way he is that a person will drop him from their life or try to get rid of him.

With some people, he’d learned not to care. With people that he’d gotten attached to? The fear came back...]

It does... It always does...

[Llewellyn mumbled sympathetically, before trying to form a proper response to her question.]

I’m not sure that I have a good or right answer? It’s uh— it’s complicated... I think you were smart to close the shop for a little while, to give yourself time. Perhaps...

[He reached down to scratch Pretzel’s ear lightly,]

Perhaps sitting on the floor in here might not be best. Maybe some time away from it yourself would help? It’s nice to remember the people you miss, but it can hurt too... You’re uh— welcome to spend time at my office if you like. You know I don’t get many clients, and it’s a change in scenery. I can make myself scarce if you want to be alone...

[But he also didn’t want her to be alone if she didn’t want or have to be. Llewellyn worried, and loss is something he’s intimately acquainted with at this point in his life.]

No. [She closes her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose.] I mean, fuck me. I don't want to be alone. If I am. I'll probably do something stupid. So if it isn't to much-

[Enis struggles to find the right words to form her request. She's never felt close enough to someone to seek emotional support and she has no idea how its done. She just knows that she doesn't want to be alone.

Her arms wrap around Pretzel as she pulls him towards her chest and into her lap.]

Please don't leave.

I- I really don't want to be alone.

[Llewellyn kept an eye on Pretzel, glad that the pup seemed to be developing a sense for when people needed something to cuddle and enjoy a little affection. Instead of being too excitable, he settled comfortably in her arms and rested his head on her shoulder.

It was good to see, and allowed Llewellyn to focus properly on what Enis was trying to say. He shook his head with a small, quick motion.]

It’s not too much, not at all... As long as you want me around, I’d rather stay? It’s mm... not good to be alone.

[He knew what it was like, and dealing with loss alone did make one do stupid things. Goodness knew he had more than once.]

I can stay right here, or we can go somewhere else, but uh— regardless... we’ll stick together.

Text [OTA] username; defrag

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject