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Memory Share | First Steps (Ned Stark 1)

A raven, bearing a message. Are you busy, my lord? There's something you should see in the nursery.

There is no tone of alarm to her note, yet Ned sets aside his task and walks through the halls of Winterfell, across the bridge from the armory to the Great Keep, wondering what could be amiss. The castle is busy at this time of day, and the folk within all nod to him as he passes, yet for once, he hardly sees them, thinking of his son, hoping he is all right.

The stone halls of the Stark family chambers are quieter than the others. Even the sound of his footsteps can be heard here. He comes to the door of the nursery, pushes it open...

To see Robb, with riotous red curls and those Tully-blue eyes, wobbling on chubby legs towards Catelyn's waiting arms. Ned laughs, a deep rich laugh, and stays where he is a moment to watch and not distract from this most important task. First steps. His son is adventuring at last.

But they both glance at the sound of him, and Robb, with a cry, tries to turn to launch himself at him and instead falls flat on his face. Both Catelyn and Ned rush to try to catch him, but Robb has well and truly fallen. He gives a shuddering wail, and it takes all the kisses and cuddles that both father and mother can bestow to distract him from his affliction.

At least he has both of them to sooth and cheer him on. Jon, watching it all as he clings to the nursemaid's skirts, has been walking for several weeks but there was no proud mother to send a raven to Ned for his first steps, and so he took them into Nurse Frea's arms with no other audience. Now, after weeks of practice, he could toddle toward them, but he hangs back, watching with wide eyes too solemn for his small face.

And Ned, tickling gurgles out of once-more-happy Robb, cannot break Catelyn's heart any more by going to his bastard son and kissing him where she could see. Jon is safe, well-cared for, and has what attentions he can spare in secret, stolen at night when he goes to check on the children. That is enough. It will have to be.

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I wish mother could have known the truth.

[But this is a passing thought as he watches the memory, touched to see how proud his father had been of him. It was something he often forgot, given how much his mistakes weighed on him.]

I didn't know you were there for this.

I wish so too. I wished so every day, Robb.

This...this is a memory I treasure. I loved you from the day I saw you.

[ Not the day he was born, for Ned did not even receive the news of it for days, and he was proud, oh so proud, but that moment he finally got to hold his firstborn? It was unlike any other. ]

[It pains him that he never had the chance to feel the same for his own child, but there is something comforting knowing that his father cared as much as he did. Being the eldest, he had felt uncertain about his place and how he measured in his father's estimation.

Seeing something like this...it helped open his eyes.]

I feared disappointing you, never living up to the man you wanted me to be.

[ Ned will always regret that Robb could not know that same joy, could not watch his child's first steps and hear that sweet childish laughter. He wanted that for Robb, for Jeyne. It seemed they would not have it even here, and never in Westeros.

He shakes his head, unseen. ]

That is not possible. I could not have asked for a better son. Brave and kind and generous. Why do you think I would be disappointed?

You have such a strong sense of honor and men all over Westeros know you to be a good man that can be trusted. I broke my vows and executed Karstark. I couldn't live up to the man they held you as.

Would it make you feel better to know that I would have done the same? I would have had no choice but to execute Karstark for his rebellion and murder of innocent children. He knows - knew - our House honor. You upheld it that day, as I taught you.

And the breaking of the other vows...did I not teach you to honor women too? It was either keep a vow someone else made on your behalf, or honor Jeyne. You made the right choice.

It does and I thought it was what you would do at the time. I think though they would have viewed your actions differently than mine. It seems like every decision I made was eventually going to end in betrayal.

I don't regret breaking that vow, only that it cost mother and Jeyne everything.

You were a boy, forced to be a man too soon. You were still proving yourself. You did not have the men around you that I had, even during the Rebellion.

Perhaps your mother would have a different answer, but I do not think Jeyne would make any other choice. I saw how she loved you and cared for you in your darkest hour. She would not give that up.

When does someone my age stop being a boy and become a man in the eyes of the older generation? I followed everything you taught me, but it still fell short. It would have been easier if I had Theon supporting me or Jon at my side.

No. She wouldn't have. I just wish I was better man for her.

It is different in each case. But you are a man in my eyes now. I have nothing to be disappointed in, for the man you grew to be.

I don't expect you to never make mistakes. Jeyne shouldn't either. It may be a mistake she cannot forgive, or one that she can grow to understand and accept. But a perfect man does not exist, Robb.

[He doesn't remember this event, specifically; he was too young then. He has many similar memories, though. He and Robb had been close enough in age that they were learning how to do things at roughly the same time, so there are many examples of Robb getting the attention for something he already knew how to do, or Robb doing it first and it hardly being noticed when he later did the same thing. He doubts that anyone would blame him if he had turned out to be resentful of Robb, but Ned had helped keep that from happening. There had been some happy moments in his life at Winterfell, at least.

Still, this glimpse into his early childhood is a stark reminder of how things had been while growing up, especially after so many reunions here. What can he even say to this? It was what it was, and there's no use in wondering what might have been different if certain things hadn't been hidden. Which doesn't stop him from wondering that very thing anyway.]

Jon. Do you watch these shared memories? Have you seen mine?

I have.

Does it put things in a different light? Now that you know why - why I raised you thus?

I know why it had to be that way.

You needed Lyanna. I wish you could have known her, Jon. She was - she would have been the mother you deserved. And I could have loved you openly as an uncle, as a foster father, and you would have known no shame in being part of our family.

[He switches over to audio, because some things are easier to explain that way.]

This place does strange things sometimes. Not just with showing memories, but other things too. There was a time when many of us were ourselves but not, the way we could have been if something in our lives had been different. I was... [He can't quite bring himself to use the name Aemon Targaryen, but Ned knows most of it anyway.] I knew my parents, both of them, and my father's first two children. I still remember those things, even if they didn't really happen. So in a way, I did know a version of her.

Truly? I am glad, Jon. Then you knew how good she was, how dearly she loved you. She wanted you so badly. It broke her heart to have to give up this world for you. Her last wish was for you to be safe. I promised it gladly.

I loved your mother so. All that I have done, I did for her and for you.

[Some of this he had known, from what he'd been told or what he knew of Ned as a man. Hearing it directly from Ned, though, is different.]

I wish I could have known her in my own life.

[Inesa knows some about Jon's childhood but it's different seeing it. She truly believes that no mother should neglect a child. It doesn't matter who that child is. A child is innocent and not to blame for his parents. She knows the truth of the matter now but it doesn't make it any easier.

With a soft voice, she finds herself reaching out to Ned. Suddenly uncertain of the man she'd quickly grown fond of.]

Do you have any regrets? After all this time. Seeing it again. Do you wish things were different?

I wished every day that things could be different. Jon needed his mother, so very much. Looking back, I see that now more than ever. He grew up without that love, that mother's care. He had me, but I could not be mother and father both.

How much do you know about Jon's mother, Inesa? [ He asks curiously, to the woman who has already shown his son more care than his own wife ever did. ]

I know some. He's told me a little bit about her. I would love to learn more.

Every time Jon talks about his family or about Westeros I listen.

[She pauses briefly and then continues.]

I don't know how much Jon has told you but he said that he got to see his mother… I don't really understand it myself. They're memories in this world that are part of us but also different… It might be best if you ask him but I know that now, he has those memories.

Whatever was in the past, you have nothing to regret here.

[Eponine watches it all, grinning and giggling as she sees the chubby baby with his wild curls. Already, her heart weeps, seeing those beautiful eyes of his again. He's so much the Robb she loved.

Then she watches Jon, too. The way he stands in the corner clinging to the woman's skirts. Like Cosette had, only she had no skirts to cling to. She had a knife wrapped in a dirty rag and bugs she murdered.

Then, it was Eponine who stood clinging to the bars of a gate, watching someone receive the love she never would. What it was like to have such unconditional adoration.

She doesn't trust her voice, and instead writes.] Such a chubby babe he was.

[ Ned smiles, remembering. Unlike some of the other memories here, this one had much that was good in it. ]

He was all rolls and dimples. Where did they all go?

[ Robb was all man now, lean and strong and muscled. But he still had Cat's eyes...those river-blue eyes...unchanged by the years. ]

I could not tell you.

He would have given her beautiful babies.

Yes. My life was not wholly fortunate, Eponine, but I was blessed with so many beautiful children. The hardest part of knowing you and he and Jeyne are gone in your worlds is that you will not know that same joy.

In that, at least, the two of you are united.

I would have liked to have my own children. I could have. But it was not meant to be, another mouth to feed.

I doubt I would survive the birthing.

Yes. There, your world, was not the right time or place for you to be a mother. This one is more suitable, but I believe they have taken measures to ensure no babes are born here that they do not plan.

...Which is a great relief, in some ways.

[ No babies of unknown Stark parentage for you, Eponine. ]

Edited 2020-11-27 07:26 (UTC)

In some.

[It's hard to watch poor Jon watch the man he knew as his father love on his son. It's hard, too, to watch her mother. She sees now just how difficult a decision her father had made, to keep Jon's identity a secret. What he had to sacrafice, and what exactly was kept from Jon. She'd apologized so many times to him, since their reunion. And seeing things like this made her want to do so all the same.]

I wish she had let you love him as you truly do.

[ Ned is gazing at his hands, his palms upturned. ]

You can't imagine how many times your mother and I argued about it. The small victories I had to take. But the greatest loss - a mother's love that he would never know.

He deserved better. And I tried, Sansa. Wherever I could, I treated him as one of you. It was still a hard childhood, and a harder path into manhood.

And you let me be so cruel to him... [He's forgiven her. But Sansa can't really forgive herself.]

I understand why you did it. Why you kept his true name hidden. But... Mother would have understood, wouldn't she?

[And take the heir to the iron throne into her home with her multitude of children and pretend. No, Catelyn would not have done such a thing.]

He and Robb were so cute. I have to wonder what happened.

There was not much letting about it, daughter. You followed your mother's example. I could not reproach you without reproaching her.

That is just it. If your mother knew, if she understood, any who know her character would find it strange that she would show kindness to her husband's bastard living amongst her trueborn children as though he was equal to them. The rumors would have been unstoppable. Inevitably, some would claim Jon wasn't my son, if Lady Stark could show him favor.

Hmf. What do you think happened?

You had to do it for everyone's sake. [She understood perfectly. Where Ned had kept Jon's parentage a secret, Sansa had told Tyrion for the good of the realm. Daenerys Targaryen as she'd known her back home was a tyrant.

The one here was very pretty and agreeable.]

I must confess, father, Jon told us- Arya, Bran and I- not to tell anyone as he had no desire for the throne. The other option would have burned us alive for refusing to bend the knee. So I told the person I trusted the most. It didn't put Jon on the throne, as I had hoped, but it made them see there were other options.

[she pauses for a moment before adding:] Uncle Edmure thought he had a shot at the crown. [Goodness. Uncle Edmure.]

[It hurts a bit to see these memories, memories she didn't have of her children. So many things she had been deprived of, but at the very least, she could feel second hand pride and love in seeing this through Ned's eyes. He clearly is made to be a father, warm and open to his children, so very different than what first glance might say.

She's curious though why the darker boy is kept at the side, not encouraged to join in and play.]

Your boys are beautiful. Didn't the other want to show his steps as well?

Edited 2020-11-24 21:48 (UTC)

Thank you. They are beautiful.

[ A part of him wishes Juliel didn't have to see this side of his family, didn't have to know the more shameful parts of the Stark history. Ned looks away. ]

Jon's mother was not my wife. I raised him as my bastard, and Catelyn hated every moment of it.

[ Perhaps she had seen the look in Catelyn's eyes when they had chanced to dart to the dark-haired little boy in the corner. It was the look of a jealous mother, an anxious new wife, a woman who saw him not as an innocent babe but the heart of all her troubles. ]

[Ah. It would explain the look she had seen on his wife's face, though that the son was made to suffer for the mother's actions struck her as rather heartless.

It was too like her parents, who she had never forgiven and largely tried to forget.]

My son, Blaise, he was born when I was very young and rather idealistic. My parents despised him because I had refused to get rid of him before he was born. They were ashamed to have a bastard in their family.

[ Ned is struck once again by how much overlap there is between their lives. She had known the same shame from her family that he had. Had raised a bastard with pride and honor rather than hiding him away or getting rid of him. His face softens and he nods. ]

The world is not kind to the baseborn. But I could not have imagined a life without my Jon - or you your Blaise, I am sure. At least you were able to pour all your love into him.

Who was his father? If I may ask?

I am fortunate I found him. He is my reason, my pride. I regret that I missed so many of his firsts. I can only hope I will return to him soon.

[She gave a small smile, shrugging her shoulders.]

He was a stranger to my town and told a number of stories about his life, as well as a number of promises to me about the future. In reality, he was conman and a bandit. I was just another name to him.

He's dead now.

You were separated from a time from your son?

I am sure you will return to him soon.

[ It is an old story, of the man who comes to use the pretty girl and cares nothing for her or responsibilities, and Ned simply nods in sympathy. ]

It is easy to get swept up by a charming rogue. I worried for my girls as they grew, especially my oldest, Sansa, who loved romance and sweet tales. Arya, I was not so worried for her and such a fate. She was the one with the sword, you know.

What of your daughter?

My parents promised that if I went to stay with relatives across the sea, they would claim my son as their own. When I returned after a few years, I found that they apparently abandoned him shortly after birth in a forest. A farmer found him and took him in. Though when I found him, they were forcing him to sleep in the stables.

[She bites her lip to fight back her rage. Her poor, sweet boy.]

Arya seems more intelligent than I was. I think I was more swept up in leaving my town and seeing the rest of Skyrim. Such men are practiced in finding a woman's weakness and exploiting it.

Sofie is my daughter, but not of my blood. I found her orphaned and starving in Windhelm, selling flowers to try and survive. I took her in and claimed her as mine.

That is a terrible thing for a mother to find. Thank the gods you found him in time and unharmed.

You were more idealistic as a girl, then? Your adventurous spirit has yet to be tamed, it seems, but you are far more of a realist now. And yet you have a kind heart. That much is clear, adopting Sofie as your own.

Is she like you much?

I was once. Adventurous is both habit and choice. Travel is required if you sell your sword and bow. And given some of the difficulties in my land, I find myself sent all over.

A little. Sofie is sweeter, kinder. She has reason to think her life will be enchanted and happy.

And yet her life started out a hard one. She was fortunate to gain a mother like you.

Does she travel with you? What of your son?

I hope she feels that way. I do my best by her.

No, it would be too dangerous for them to travel with. It means I must be away from them a great deal, but I return home between each task.

Hence why I worry I don't do enough for them.

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Memory Share | First Steps (Ned Stark 1)

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voice; private.

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text; un: ponine

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video, un: littlebird

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