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[beboth]

(cw: canon typical violence

video for reference)

[ It's a bit of a suicide mission. You know that but you'd agreed to it anyway and the only thing you can hope is that it's not also a suicide mission for Bran. You'd already cost the Starks too much. No pound of flesh would ever make up for the wrong you've done.

As the horde continues to attack, you eventually run out of arrows and your bow becomes melee before you get your hands on a spear. And you keep fighting as valiantly as you can, because what mattered was protecting Bran. The urge you used to have to run in the face of danger and death isn't there any longer and while brave might be a stretch, you're resolute in your duty.

When he finally arrives, you're exhausted and you can barely stand any longer.

They dead stop attacking and a path clears for the Night King and you're staring at your fate until you hear Bran's voice.

"Theon."

You turn to look at him.

"You're a good man. Thank you."

And you cry, not because you're about to die but because you might actually believe that it's true. The fear slips away into a feeling of resolution. You run at the Night King with your spear and when you reach him it's broken in half like a twig and you're on the receiving end. But what is dead may never die, anyway. ]

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[beboth]

[ There's something particularly worse about that memory being shown than any of the other ones. Maybe the one with Ramsay had been humiliating, the second had been more about how good Yara was and he could live with that. This one was vulnerable and something... else.

He would have been happy had it been the end of his story. He could have died believing he was a good man and instead he had come here and he is sure that cheapens it all some. He doesn't deserve this. This is not the halls of his Drowned God, that is for sure despite the location being underwater or whatever it claimed to be.

Still... he wrapped his arms around Sansa when she came, shocked at her tears as he holds her tight. Has he grieved her this much again?

He doesn't know what to make of it when she begins kissing him, though and returns them fervently, reverently until she parts from him. The whisper of words he's heard before, said before, but never felt the weight of so deeply.

Theon loves her too but the words feel heavy on his tongue, words he doesn't deserve to say much less hear. ]

Sansa... [ Theon kisses her again, more softly. ]

[toivory]

Hush, [she says, her voice soft and breathy.] Don't say anything. Just-- [She kisses him again.] Let me be near you. Let me love you the way you need.

[She swallows, her throat tight. She wants him to say it back. But she knows he won't. He doesn't think he deserves her. But he does, he's the only one she really truly wants. The only one in the world that understands the hell she went through with Ramsay, the man who got her through so much alive. It's trauma bonding, but there isn't a phrase for that in Westeros.]

You are so brave, Theon. [She kisses his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks, nose, every part of him.] You're brave, and you're good. I wish you believed it as whole heartedly as I do.

[beboth]

[ He starts to speak again but he kisses her back instead and he just does as she tells him. He doesn't know how to say those words back to her. He knows that he loves her. He's loved her for a long time now but he doesn't deserve her love for him and maybe he doesn't think he deserves to love anyone at all.

The words just die in his throat, on his tongue and he knows he's hurting her and it's the last thing he wants to do. He accepts all of her kisses and her affections and represses the urget o argue with her and instead he looks down.

Perhaps he was brave in the end but for him it doesn't erase it all, just like Bran telling him he was a good man doesn't fully erase the fact that he hadn't been when it had mattered. ]

[toivory]

[it hurt so badly to see him so sullen, so hesitant in kissing and touching and in every aspect of his life. She wanted to be his harbor, to help him return to his best self here. But if he didn’t even wish to see himself the way she did.

Did he really think she’s choose to love someone unworthy? That she would work so hard if he were not worth it? And all the more, it made her feel as if Ramsay had won.
She tightens her grip, her hands at his lapels, holding him to her. Salty tears streak down her cheeks as she thinks about Theon and what he must surely think.]

I love you.

And you are worth every bit of my love. Now and forever, Theon Greyjoy.

[beboth]

[ Theon wouldn't know how to return to his best self. Then again, the man he was before Ramsay, before taking Winterfell had not necessarily been a good man either. He hadn't been as terrible as he become but Theon didn't want to be that man either. Perhaps if there were something left of him he might be able to give into Sansa and this world easier. But he's a different man now and he wouldn't necessarily trade who he was now to become the man he'd been at the start of it. That man would not have made Sansa a good love.

His scarred hands careful wipe at her tears even if he couldn't say or do the things necessary to stop them from falling. He loved her more than he loved anything or anyone. But he also knew she was wrong. He wouldn't argue but she knew what he thought anyway so he might as well.

Instead of saying the words she wants to hear that he can't seem to let himself say he leans in and presses a tender kiss to her lips. It's the kiss of a man who does love her even if he can't say it. ]

[toivory]

[She does want to hear them. She knows he won't say it, can't say it, but that doesn't stop her from longing to hear it from him. Even if she can feel it in his movement, in the way he holds her and certainly the way he kisses her. He is allowed to love her. There's nothing in the world that says someone isn't entitled to their feelings of love.

It's almost insulting, truthfully, that he won't say it. It makes her think, perhaps, because he knows how broken her body truly is, that he thinks she is unloveable. That she must be worth less than him.

She's only ever wanted to be loved. Properly.

But she loves Theon, and she will love him as fiercely as she can, because he does deserve love. Even if she does not.]

Theon is- is there some way I can please you?

[beboth]

[ Theon would never think that Sansa's body was broken. She is beautiful and there was nothing in the world that could detract from it. He just couldn't see past his own brokenness, and the guilt of all his mistakes. He couldn't help feeling like when he touched her, if he loved her, he left behind some sort of metaphorical disease.

Even if he loves her with every fibre of his being there is so much that he's incapable of giving her. He can only see his shortcomings. ]

What do you mean, Sansa?

[toivory]

[She takes a moment to think, unsure of how to best express what she means. michael would be blunt and use words she didn’t know, and it’s too late in the conversation to call him and ask. Not to mention she was sure that was some awful faux pas. So she takes a moment before plowing on.]

Is there a way I can show you how much you mean to me? How worthy you are of my love and affection? You must have... some feeling there, still?

[beboth]

[ For a few more seconds, Theon could pretend that they weren't having this conversation. ]

Sansa... [ He exhales. ] You already do enough for me.

[ Maybe that's just him being deliberately evasive now. ]

[toivory]

No, I don't. It's not enough!

[She reaches for his hands, holding them, tears shining in her clear blue eyes.]

I want you to know you are worthy of good things. You are worthy of my love, of my affections, of allowing yourself to find happiness. At home, you're gone, and I'll never ever see you again, Theon-- [a few tears leak from her eyes, trailing down her cheeks] I cried over your body, and I cried over the ashes. All we have is here. Right here, right now in this brave new world and-- [She doesn't know what she's saying, how to say it. She doesn't have the vocabulary and a woman's desire is not spoken about in Westeros. She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to rein her tears back in, find the best way to reach him.]

I want to make you feel the way you make me feel. There must be some way- something we could try. I will not give up on you, Theon. Never. Not until you realize how truly wonderful you are. How worthy of love you are.

[beboth]

[ Theon feels a spike of frustration. He doesn't know what to do here. Everything she's done for him is enough for him but it's clearly not enough for her and it can't help but make it feel clearer that he's not enough for her. ]

Sansa... I don't know how to give you what you want... [ He finally says and it pains him to do so. ]

[toivory]

[She bites her lip, willing herself to hold herself steady, to not let her emotions completely rule her.]

What I want is you, Theon, to believe that you are worthy of love. Of life.

[She takes a deep breath.] Robb would not stand to see you like this. We both know it. Do not take this second life for granted.

[beboth]

[ Theon actually does sigh in clear frustration then. It's not fair that she would bring up Robb's name like that, not at all and he's not sure he can believe the same about Robb. That Robb could have ever forgiven everything that had been done. Could Ned? He still wasn't sure how she did some days. They both knew that Robb, Rickon and so many others were dead ultimately because of him. ]

You might ask too much, Sansa.

[toivory]

[Well. It's come to this, then. She doesn't want to pull rank, but if it's the only thing she can do...]

I command you, Theon Greyjoy. To try to believe you're worthy of my love. Please.

A Queen does not love those who are not worthy.

[beboth]

[ Theon sighs again. ]

I can try, my Queen, but that does not mean it will make it so.

[toivory]

Then I ask that you try. Do not say yes to humor me. Try.

[She squeezes his hand gently, to remind him she loves him.]

And I will try to be more understanding. I don't wish to hurt you.

[beboth]

[ Theon sighs. ]

That's what I've been saying, Sansa.

[toivory]

I'm so sorry, Theon. But you are not the man you think you are. I know you better than that.

[She closes her eyes for a moment. Maybe one day, they would be brave enough to try out what Michael was teaching her. To let Theon kneel between her legs again, this time in a better, happier way.]